Lately, we have been talking about mental health. We flooded our social Media with ‘Come and Talk’ posts but the one with whom we learn everything and the people who are the closest to us, how do they deal with mental well-being. In India, the upbringing we get is based on societal pressure, the list of do’s and don’ts somehow relates to the checklist of Indian Society. I chose this topic for my new blog because I feel we are the coming generation who are going to nurture a new era, we need to understand the basic difference between physical and mental well-being.
We live with our parents, learn from them, grow with them and they know us from our birth. But somehow we start learning things in their absence or without their knowledge. Often our parents are unaware of situations happening in our lives and slowly we tear us apart from them. Indian parents are more inclined towards cultures and customs, and they believe their child is good only if he or she follows such cultures or customs. The contrary thought of their new generation child often leads to arguments. Keeping such arguments and conversations on notice, I just want you to answer these questions to yourself and then continue reading the article.
- How tough is it to quote that ‘you are not in a mood’ to do something? Is it easy to say to your parents?
- Can you simply sit with them and communicate without arguing on any certain topic? Do they calmly listen to your point of view and try to understand what you are thinking?
- The way they take care of your physical health, food and eating habits, do they care the same about your thinking habits and things that hurt you the most?
- Do your parents even know, what makes you super happy and they are okay with you doing that?
You must have analysed your parents’ stand on your mental wellness, but before drawing any opinion we always need to look at a broader aspect. WHO says India is the most depressed country in the world. 50 million Indian children suffer from mental disorders, the number ignites adding the adolescent population in it. The problem is that we are still unaware of the fact that mental health is a normal issue, but still, an issue which needs your positive attention. There could be many reasons like bullying, harassment or abuse, Fear of anything, the pressure of studies, career options, job pressures, relationship issues, even issues with parents and the list is long.
For concluding, we need to notice the positive and negative approach too. We can’t deny that due to the major generation gap and societal hierarchy, even when our parents try to be friendly with the issues, we as a child don’t feel comfortable to share it with them. The parents are even unaware of the right way to tackle such mental disturbance and unfamiliar with the things happening in their child’s life.
Difference of opinions
I had a conversation with a mother about how she will identify that her child is in any stress, a mother of 18+ children said, “I will watch if they behave something different from normal days. I will try to know but if they don’t share, how will I try to solve the issue.” I then communicated about the same to her daughter, if her mother notices any change in her behaviour. “No, my mother hardly notices that my mood is off or I am over-thinking. Usually, people around me say I overthink a lot but my mother never queried about my weird thought process.”
This made me come with an idea of talking to various groups and take their statement related to the topic. I chose three sections out of my known circle- Students (18-21 years old), Working youth (25-35 years old), Mid-generation or young parents (30-40 years old). I asked their opinions about the issue, whether negative or positive. The statements I received are quite interesting and even can make you develop an opinion about this.
College students statements
“My parents would personally help me with my issue if they genuinely find out that it’s something serious.They will try their best to converse with me and give their best advice to me, and if I still feel the need of some professional help, they will not stop me from consulting a therapist,” shares Isha, a college student.
Another college student Tanya says, “Well, mental health is a serious problem with very less awareness. So in my case as well it was tough for my parents to understand the problem, at times it use to happen that seeing me in stress and filled with so many things inside they use to ask me how I’m doing but for them, it was just some normal issue that will go with time but that wasn’t the case. But after dealing with these problems so many times they do understand the real problem now and try to reach out instead of taking it casually.”
She adds, “Recently one of my cousins faced some mental issue and she lives in a village and people out there relate all of it to some paranormal thing as this is very common in villages but then my mom discussed it with us and she asked people out there to opt for counselling instead of the things they did.”
Aditya quotes, “Mental health isn’t a word in many Indian parent’s dictionaries. For the parents who even don’t notice the change in their child’s behaviour, mental health is a far away topic. I believe these are the modern-day problems (claimed by the parent’s themselves), so it needs to be solved by either the person suffering or by his/her friend. The social stigma & alienation attached to a mental health concern is still prevailing and Indian parents are still stuck in their days.”
“First of all being an extrovert media student, I’m still not able to confess my mental condition before my parents. I don’t blame them for their behaviour, I blame the awareness spectrum during their youth days. Rather, I share such problems with my girlfriend & friends. Once I said to my mom, “माँ fed up हो चुके हैं लाइफ से, कभी कभी लगता है कि गलत रास्ते पे जा रहें हैं क्या?” She replied, “शादी करवा दें – बहुत मन लगेगा” and Destroyed in seconds,” shares Shubham, a recent graduate from Mass media.
Pragati, a college student completely opposes the fact that her parents understand her mental well-being, “Yes, definitely I have faced mental issues, not for once but many times. And their way of handling my mental problem is very poor according to me. Sometimes they come and talk to me about my mental state. But usually, they ignore me even after knowing about my mental state. They think that I’m reacting weird due to my anger and later on I will automatically calm down and behave normally. But they don’t realize that the mood can turn normal, still the things or facts due to which I reacted weirdly will keep hitting me due to insufficient conversation. According to them I should understand every situation and try to behave normally every time because I have to lead a family in future so I should try to be an ideal woman.”
Young working class states
The second section I communicated was the young working class. I chose them because the choice of career, new job stress or relationship issues leads to any kind of mental health problems. This age- group starts developing their individual opinion and even tries to keep their point of view in front of their parents. First, I talked with a few of my journalist friends and one statement talks about the broader aspect.
Ritika, an active journalist from FII talks, “Indian parents, first of all, should start acknowledging the fact that mental health exists and it’s a real issue. Many studies suggest most of the Indian family thinks that acknowledging the fact that their children are going through some MHI is shameful. That too when the WHO says one in every seven Indian faces MHI, people are more suicidal here. In my view, the first step the parents should take towards this issue is that they should start believing that yes, mental health is a health issue. That will help in breaking the stigma around mental health.”
Pranay, an IT engineer says, “Usually it starts with a denial state of mood off/nothing-happened attitude. Then it moves to make it better by practicing favourite things but not lasting ones. Then worry around if anything happened. Then talk and analyse. If they understand, they help, else, “ phase hai Chala jayega’.”
Once recovered from a phase of depression, Shampa shares her story of mental health, “I was in an initial phase and as an adult, I was aware of everything that ‘s going inside me. I was also aware of my parent’s worry and anxiety. It was not okay for me but I made it work on my own because I had suicidal thoughts, still, I decided to follow all the rules my parents made for me. Things I faced were,
- They were not able to understand the whole scenario.
- They tried to convince me that it will pass soon.
- Impatient
- Overprotective
- Kept their eyes on me every time.
- House arrest was the only effective way to cope up with the situation so that I cannot take any wrong step.
I believe every individual faces a different condition and the age to handle it is also different but the way Indian parents deal with this issue can turn out to be worse. In my case, I made it work because my siblings continuously advised my parents over the phone. But the way my parents handled it, was certainly not the right way.”
Graphic by Sourav Srivastava
Young parents bridging the gap
To know about the new generation parenting, the next group I interacted with were the young parents, who are nurturing their less than 10 years’ old child as they are the ray of hope for the coming generation.
Mitesh Mallick, a father of an 8-year-old girl says, “I have a daughter of 8 years who studies in class 2. I engage her regularly to play some offline or online games related to word making or some jumbles to be solved which may enhance her thinking and mental abilities. During this COVID period as physical classes are not happening and everything is online so I give more emphasis on giving more time to my daughter and discuss with her on topics of how her class was, what problems she is facing in handling classes. Apart from her school books, I make sure that she reads some additional storybooks and involves herself in painting and other craft activities. I also discuss with her on social and family values so that she knows about family, relations and caring and giving respect to others.”
An amazing answer was given by Niraj who is a young father, he just compared his parents to him as a parent, “Our parents are conservative, usually underestimate our values and thoughts. They mostly compare us with other children whom they term as successful. Topics like sexual education are taboo which also leads to much mental stress. They give freedom to the whole society to guide their child. They believe in rigid cultures and rituals, abolishing any of them makes us an uncultured human. They grow us in this environment and when any mental stress occurs, we don’t feel safe to share it with them. As a new generation parent, I believe we are opposite and from starting we will groom our child in a safe environment where their ideas and thoughts will be appreciated. We will teach them self- dependency, break taboos and will not insist them to take decisions according to society.”
Parents face mental stress too
Not just a child, even parents deal with mental health issues too, but the communication gap is the major threat that makes anyone undergo the drawbacks of over-thinking. I even conversed with a few parents and I asked them ‘If you are in mental stress, will you share about the problem with your child? If yes, then why and If no, then why not?’ I discussed these questions with parents of teenagers, college students and young working class. The answers I received gave me two different opinions. I found a huge difference in thought and practical practise of discussion and sharing.
A father of a 32-year-old married daughter says, “There are different kinds of stress a parent deals with like financial, family problems, child’s future etc. If a child is minor, we cannot share financial or family issues with them but he/she is an adult, we can discuss such issues with them. If a child is in the teenage phase, we can discuss their future-related issues.”
Sarita Kumari, Principal of DAV School Digha, Patna talks about her parenting style with her 15-year-old son, “Definitely, I will share the problem with my child. I always discuss because I want to prepare him for the challenges of life. He can co-relate his problems/ stress with the stress of mine. Maybe he can give me some ideas and he has given so many times. It removes the generation gap.”
Dr.Nagendra Singh says that he will share his stress with his son, “Because it is necessary for him to know, otherwise he will not let me know his issues and that can be dangerous.”
Knowing from the child’s perspective, I talked to few youngsters to know despite the communication gap with the parents, if they come to know that their parents are disturbed with some mental issues, how will you deal with the situation?
”I have made my parents comfortable enough so that they share things. Though my father still doesn’t talk much, my mother usually does. But let’s say there’s something that’s disturbing them for a while. I would listen to them and try to be there for them,” says a 23-year-old son.
“I think communication can fill the communication gap. Though my parents were not comfortable to share their problems with me, I still tried to be friendly and made them speak up. I have changed this in my part, there was a time when my father never used to share anything but slowly in recent years I am my parent’s problems sharing partner.”, says Gagandeep, the elder child of his parents.
On asking about the answers they receive from the parents while communicating, Samreen shares “My parents usually answer me with “You are still a child, you don’t know anything”. Then I try to make them speak as an experience for my future. Such ideas work out and they share.”
Above statements clearly show that we want to eradicate the problems. Depression is never a one- day or two-day thing, a long mental pressure brings a person to a stage where he or she is always in a phase of over-thinking. This can happen to anyone at any point in time. The most important people in your life are your family and they need to be aware enough to handle you and your stress.
Where the major problem lies?
Every problem has some solution to that part, I have collected a few statements that will be helpful for both parents and child parts. Aman Arora, a school teacher and a writer from Delhi says, “Just by the number of children Indian parents have been having or the tenancy of Indian parents to hit their children, it can be inferred that they are more versed in the skill of making children than parenting. It is not like Indian parents are bad parents, but due to various social and cultural factors, the art of parenting is not a much talked about subject in the Indian society. Parenting in India is parent centric and not child-centric. “
Talking about the understanding of parenting, Aman Arora quotes,”The parents are mostly over-protective and emotional about their kid rather than communicative and practical. In such a scenario, the mental health of the child is a topic beyond their comprehension. Also, India being a poor country, mental health is not as much as a priority as other problems. While the things are changing amongst some woke families in urban areas, but for the majority of Indian families, poor mental health is merely a taboo, it is to be dealt with superstition and at best, it is an excuse.”
“In the year 2018, India was declared as the most depressed country in the world (according to the WHO). A study conducted by the National Care of Medical Help states that at least 6.5 of the Indian population suffers from some form of serious mental disorders. Moreover, India has the highest suicide rate in the world for youth. As a professional, it has been my observation that despite these disturbing facts, the majority of Indian parents do not accept mental illness as a serious health concern. I see parents refusing to accept the concept of mental health. ” – Farheen Rashid, Mental Health Social Worker & Founder, With Love We Care( A mental Health Awareness Programme)
She adds, “A lot of parents trivialize mental health by proposing solutions like taking a walk, meditating, praying or thinking positively, thus making their children pay the price for their ignorance. They do not see it as a concern that needs to be addressed or requires professional help. We live in a society where the entire focus has been on physical health. Moreover, lack of knowledge and the prevailing stigma around mental health makes it even more difficult for parents to understand the concerns of their children. During their generation, there were hardly any conversations around mental health or platforms where one could speak about their concerns or struggles. Hence, we need to be empathetic towards our parents and allow them to learn about this topic.”
How to break the social stigma?
Dr Shubham Shree, Medical Social Service Officer deals with many such cases in her work, she explains the issue clearly with the solutions, “Generally in India, we find remarkably less awareness regarding mental health issues. Parents do know about physical growth and academic growth through doctors and teachers but mental health remains at backseat unless any serious problems pop on the surface. Children’s mental health issues are only confined to retardation or learning disabilities.
Unlike the milestones of growth chart as we observe on the health cards, there is no provision or practice of measuring the emotional, psychological, social or other mental health milestones of our children. Child psychology should be a preliminary subject for parents to monitor along with children reaching their physical growth milestones. This is an essential part of nurturance and parenting but we find it negligible.
Even children are not treated as an independent autonomous entity. They can’t make their decisions nor are they given choices to exercise their autonomy while they are guided or forced in most cases in our society by parents or teachers or extended relatives.
Solutions to the above-mentioned statements
- As we start a family we should study about child psychology even at the prenatal stage… like we study the growth of the foetus in the mother’s womb.
- Like we go for vaccination and growth monitoring we should also visit child counsellors or psychologists to know whether the child is growing with a healthy mental and emotional state.
- We should keep parenting workshops from time to time for various age groups of children… through schools, crèches, playschools, offices etc.
- Childhood is a very sensitive and demanding phase of human growth… extremely important for emotional, social and psychological understanding and wellbeing. It is an important part of socialization, learning gender and civil roles etc. Every stage of development is marked by a certain standard which should be kept in observation by parents, teachers or any primary caregiver.
- Giving utmost importance to children and supporting them for exercising their autonomy, basic decisions, disciplining, developing industriousness in areas of interest and providing a healthy positive and happy environment for growth and development.”
Hearing such varied statements and knowing about the solutions, we need to work on the areas of change rather than complaining. If the stigma of mental health erases, any person from the family or group will be comfortable enough to communicate and share their whereabouts. Whether he/she is a child or a parent, mental stress is an issue and we all need to deal with it.
Stay healthy both physically and mentally, and make others feel healthy too.
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Wow ! Things really need to be worked on.
Very nicely composed blog Puja.. best wishes to u… you are doing a great job by spreading awareness and sensitization about mental health issues…❤❤❤
I think there’s a generation gap which cannot be filled doesn’t matter how much we try. Even if they are educated but they live in a society and mindset like what niraj said. Even my parents are very supportive and we generally don’t have arguments because my father always say ”Naya peedhi ka apna soch hai apna tareeka hai, tabhi hum chitthi se video call pe agye. Unhe jo krna hai krne do” But still there are things they cannot understand and they’ll never understand. So to me it’s better to let them know what they needs to know. We can only change the future by changing the present.
I must say the surveys are amazing. We need more people like you who not just talk about the problem but come up with a solution too . Not to mention the views of people you mentioned which made us more connected to each and every line. Some of their statements were so heartbreaking. I wish this will be action and we will we be better parents in future.
💜💜👏👏
Bahut sahi baat likhi hai di ❤
You explored almost all of the angles!
People understand that building a positive relationship between parent and child is important but people often ignore that this positive relationship is for strengthening their bond and to do that they need to talk.
Reading the blog made me realise the amout of time and energy you invested into research!
It was fruitful. I can assure you that.
I’ve written content on mental health several times but mine wasn’t from a source that was known to me. And I always thought that if I ever had to do my own research then it would get awkward, given the taboo attached with it.
But, you did the job flawlessly diii!
Maybe someday I’ll do my own research on the topic.
Either ways, your content was yet again informative and beautifully presented. Well structured, as always!
The choice of content is much relatable.
Very brilliantly written. The research work you did needs a lot of patience and understanding.
Kudos girl.
Last but not the least ; the highlight of this blog is the solutions quoted.
It’s much important for all of us to practice all the solutions as individuals, because mental health is important for all of us.
And mental illness anyone can face at any age.
This blog is not only for Parents but also for children.
We all need to takecare of each other.
Much love girl. Keep doing this good work.
Write more. Keep growing, keep blooming.
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There is visibly a bunch to know about this. I believe you made some good points in features also.